Thursday, August 18, 2005

It's almost Friday (meaning it's Thursday)

Gosh the week has gone by fast. Maybe that was because I had three days off of work (Sunday, Monday and Tuesday). I actually hate having that many days off in a row. I hate having two off in a row. I would rather work a day and have a day off and then work a day and have another day off. Did I loose any of you?

So I had trouble sleeping last night. Now I know how Michelle feels. I kept having nightmares about her. Since her accident I have been having these nightmares about what she went through. I don't know if it is because I am wanting to be able to understand what she went through or what. But I hate having these nightmares. Last night I had one about me and her being in the convoy and she got killed. Scared the crap out of me. I had to get up and go read some more Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets to get the dream out of my head. I have just been really concerned about her lately. I had a good hour or so conversation with her on Tuesday over IM. When I had to get off to go to the grocery store, I didn't want to leave her. I never want to leave her when I am talking to her. I guess that is because I feel that as long as I am talking to her nothing can happen to her. Yes, I know they have pulled her off the road. But that doesn't mean that something can't happen to her. I know I just need to let it go. Think positive. But, frankly, it is HARD! I just want these nightmares to go away. I worry about her enough without them. Then when i have one of these nightmares all I want to do is talk to her. I think I got online fifteen times last night. I kept logging in, check to see if she was on, log off because she wasn't and check back in 5 minutes.

I know she reads this but I am going to say this anyways. Everytime I talk to her, all I do is cry when i get off the phone or the Insant Messaging with her. I think it is mostly because I miss her and also because I don't know when I am going to be able to talk to her again. There is that little voice in the back of my head that likes to tell me that that might have been the last conversation that I might have with her. I don't like to think about that but I guess sometimes that helps because then I am sure to say everything that I want to say to her before I get offline with her. Plus that drives me to stay up WAY past my bedtime sometimes. Alot of the time when we talk on IM I stay on until she has to get off. But there are a few days when I have to get off before she is ready for me to leave because, well, one thing or another comes up. That is hard for me to say because I feel like she is my sister and she is in Iraq and that should be my whole focus. I should stay online and talk to her as long as she is online because nothing should come before her. Does that make any sense? I don't know, it's hard to explain. I guess i feel like if i get offline before her, like i did the other night when I had to go to the grocery store, that she is thinking to herself "oh, so the grocery store is more important to my sister then talking to her sister who is in Iraq!" I hope she doesn't feel that way but I don't know sometimes those thoughts enter my head.

So I just want Michelle home. I can't stand her being over there any longer. The closer it gets to her homecoming, the harder it is for me to stand her being over there. She has missed out on so much and I just want her home now. I am almost to the point where I will get on a plane or whatever and go and pick her up myself. I know, sounds stupid. But seriously, I just want her home. I miss her so much. I miss our nightly conversation until 2 or 3 in the morning, like we used to do when we shared a room when we both lived at home. I just miss everything about her. Everytime I got to do something, like when my family went to Kings Island a few weeks ago, I just think about how much Michelle would want to be there. Especially when it comes to things like birthday parties, finding out my older sister was pregnant, my dad getting injured, and everyday normal stuff. I just want her to be home. I have so many things that I want to do with her when she gets home. I have like this list in my head of stuff that I want to do when she gets home. Having someone deployed really makes you realize how much stuff you only like to do with that particular person. There are things that I say to other people that are kind of an inside joke between me and Michelle, and when that other person doesn't understand what I am talking about, I just think "Man, if Michelle was here she would be laughing her ass off." So i just want her to be home safe and sound. PERIOD!

Okay, sorry about that first part. I am just having a really rough day today. But it will all clear up, hopefully! Onto something else.

Apparently Erik Holtan thinks that I am scary, fightening and that I might beat him up. Where the h-e-double hockey sticks did he come up with this idea? I told him that I would send Michelle out in the sandbox to hunt him down and make him realize that I am not scary, but I think that that just scared him more. Hmm, what to do about this situation? (Sidenote-I know he is joking but i just thought that I would pick on him publically now)! So Erik, watch out, look around every corner, not for terrorists but for my sister. I will have her on the the look out for you and your posse of spoiled brats won't be able to save you! Everyone visit his site and tell him what a wonderful person I am!

Okay, do you think that that won't make him scared of me anymore? I was seriously joking about all that above. It was just in fun. Erik is a great person. I enjoy his blog and he wacky view on life. And after this little promotion he better be nice to me!

Anyways, I am going to go now. I am physically and emotionally drained from lack of sleep. Sorry for making you all endure this post but, hey, if you didn't want to read it you would have exited my site by now. Talk to you all soon!