Monday, June 20, 2005

Something that weighs heavily on my heart!

Before I got married (on May 15,2004) I used to go to church every Sunday. I would help out with the children's A.W.A.N.A's program on Wednesdays, taught Sunday School, helped in the Nursery, helped with V.B.S in the summer, sang in the choir and, sometimes, sang solo (only took 18 years to get me to do that). I was also very active in my youth group when I was still in high school, then i got active in the women's bible study when i was out of high school, and at one point i even started a Bible Study with one of my friends (this was before we had a youth group for high schoolers). I was very active in the church and I was soooo happy.
When I started dating my husband (in October of 2002), i still did all of these things, eventhough he didn't go to church (yet). We got engaged in March of 2003 and then we broke up in October of 2003. In December of 2003 we got back togetherand on New Years Eve of 2003 we got re-engaged. The reason for us getting back together was because durning that time he had gotten saved. The reason we had broke up was because (among other things) he didn't go to church. I had always dreamed of getting married to someone who would be active in the church with me. It made me happy to help out and participate in the activities of the church. I thought it was great that he had finally decided that he wanted to be a part of something that i cherised so greatly. So we went through marriage counseling with my pastor and everything was great. He would do the Bible Studies with me and would go to church every Sunday with me. I loved it!
When we got married things changed. We went to church every Sunday for about 6 months. I missed a few Sundays here and there because of work, but other than that we were pretty faithful about going to church. We were switching back and forth between my church and his families church just because we thought it would be nice to spend time with both sides of the family on Sundays. Then after about 6 months, we just stopped going all together. No one really decided it, it just happened. I don't know if it was because we were tired of bouncing back and forth between churches or what. I really didn't think anything about it until recently.
We moved to Fairborn in March and we are living too far away to go to church at either one of our churches. I didn't mind at first, but recently I have kind of had a eye opening experiance (i guess you could say)...

I recently read a post on Dadmanly's site that was posted by his wife Mrs. Dadmanly. After I read this I got to thinking : "Man that is how I used to be. Leaning on God to take care of all my troubles and to help me through difficult situations." I realized that my whole demenior has changed. I am not the same person that I was when I was going to church. I used to be happy, less stressed and just a lot more energetic. Now, I have this 'I don't give a crap what happens anymore' attitude towards everything.
When my sister got in her accident over in Iraq. I prayed for her and for her friend's family but i realized how 'empty' my prayers were. There was no feeling behind them like there used to be when i would pray for someone. It was kind of like I was saying "hey God, I know that you probably won't answer this pray but i am going to say it anyways. I mean heck, you pretty much didn't keep my sister safe so why should i even be saying this." I was just basically going through the motions of prayer without actually thinking of what i was doing. I mean I pray everyday for our soldiers and our military who are over in Iraq, but I have just begun to realize that I don't have the same faith backing up those prayers that I used to. Basically I am just talking to the ceiling.
I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be like I was before i got married. I want to be the person that people would go to for answers to problems because they knew that i knew the scripture to lead them to that would help them through it. Now, i don't think i could point out any scripture to anyone about anything. Personally, this scares me. I don't want to be in this spot anymore. I want to go back to being active in the church and not being such a depressed individual. I have come to realize that I am not as happy of a person as I was when i was going to church. I used to be one of those people who couldn't wait to get out of bed in the morning. Now I dred getting up because that means I got to go to my sucky job or it is a reminder of how I am an hour away from my family and friends, so therefore I am stuck at home with nothing to do. I am just so tired of being like this.
I woke up to 5:30 yesterday morning (this is early for me, i usually get up around 9:00) because I was just thinking about how I needed to get back to going to church. I was thinking about how much of a depressed individual I have become. Sure, I act happy, but in my mind I am thinking about how much I hate my life right now. I am not saying that I hate my life as a wife. I love my husband a lot. I am just saying that I hate the person I have turned out to be. And what is worse is that I am not sure how to change it. I mean I am living an hour and a half from the church that i grew up in. I don't know any of the churches around where I live. Believe it or not, I am actually a very shy person, so it is hard for me to just try something different. But all i know is this:


It needs to start today. I need to get back to the happy person that i used to be. I need to get back to being the person who everyone would come to for advice. I know that I need help getting back to that point. I also need the support of my husband. I want to get back to being the couple that everyone loved to see at church. Don't get me wrong I am not doing this for attention. I am doing this because church was such a big part of my life from the time that I was a baby. It is what made me happy. It is what got me through some of the most difficult times in my life. I just want to go back to being happy, energetic, and just back to being ME!

I know it is going to take some time. But i know that I can do this. With the prayers and support from my family and friends I know I can make my life into what I know it can be!